I could say that he can go by himself for these things, but I want the weekends for quality couple time since we both have pretty demanding jobs during the week. . January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. Not needing to have such a sterile conversation because youve given enough time to learn that about each other naturally and observe how the other person lives? Is it because the LWs own lease was up? Tests are incredibly unfair to your partner, because they deserve a chance to hear what you really want and you deserve a chance to hear what they want. Or maybe its the first major difference in opinion in a long line of future differences. To me, it is not strange at all to spend some time every weekend with your family. . Five Steps for Maintaining an Open Relationship, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. Once that ebbs a little, I predict things are going to get problematic. My dad did this too, until he met his fiance and she moved in with him. That scenario is even more likely if your husband is apeople pleaserand doesnt know how to say no. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. January 20, 2012, 9:14 am. It was a huge fight, and the beginning of the end for us like Id asked if we could murder his folks! Its not only a blow to your self esteem but also in how you pick your mate overall. She is communicating to us, that even though she is coming up short on the finance side, if her live in boyfriend eased off the time with the family visiting, she wouuld be ok. ForeverYoung WebYou are a good person for trying to bond with your husbands family. This LW specifically has a problem during the summer/fall months (so 6 months tops, depending where she lives) when he gets to come home *only some weekends* so not every single weekend, and he spends a majority of his time with his family and the LW. If mom is like, begging them to stay every single time, thats beyond just a mere annoyance obviously. which i think is what youre saying. OR maybe he makes more money than she does and doesnt realize the strain on her finances. Ive been dealing with it a little bit lately, and this letter sounded kind of similar. Same way he knows about how I feel about abortion, politics, etc. If you care about your husband, you should not try to distance him from his parents. They used to spend time in the city before living together and now nearly every weekend with his family. What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: A guilty conscience makes your husband go to his family every weekend. And I dont think therapy will help the parents but it might be a good idea for the LW and her boyfriend. Its just simple, smart, communication! Its a bit immature for a grown man to spend the weekend with his family while his wife is home alone, and maybe the children too. June 18, 2014, 11:28 am. If the relatives of only one spouse are prioritized, the other spouse will be dissatisfied. No, not necessarily. lets_be_honest Addie Pray In my experience, if you manage to schedule some quality couple time whatever activity counts as that for you every weekend, youre likely to care much less about visiting the in-laws etc. Not normal. I cant imagine that life! If he wants to visit his parents for dinner once or twice a week, his wife should be accompanying him. But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. Youre right. Why My Husband Thinks Taking Care of the Baby is Easy: 3 Reasons. June 18, 2014, 12:41 pm. Maybe he just needs to be broken out of his pattern. LW you seem a lot more independant than you BF, and I feel like this is just the begining of you feeling like this, so if you havent yet just have a plan to move out if things arent working out. In being present in any matters their adult children bring to them, they reassert their power and superior knowledge. He is an adult & his main focus should be on his relationship. Heck, some people are just like that. I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. Anonymousse This has been going on for 4 years and its not going to change on its own. Who keeps the dog? My husband calls his mom about once a week as well and his dad a few times a year. They live in a suburb of New York, where we live, and weve somehow gotten into a routine of spending significant amounts of time at their house nearly every weekend. So put aside the awks phone chat you might have to have with your Mum, and enjoy the fact that this year you can eat until you feel sick with your bae. i dont know every time i go to assume anything i say the little rhyme to myself in my head. When we decided it was serious, he introduced me to his mom one weekend, and I introduced him to my parents the next. Like the people who say they wouldnt want to know a significant other was cheating on them. First, you are against it because youre fine where you live and dont want to ruin it. You dont have to spend as much time with the parents as your boyfriend does & he might reduce his own time there if youre not there with him. Now, if ever, is a time when sitting at home binging on a favorite show on Netflix should be an acceptable and normal way to spend the weekend. are they spending every minute of their entire weekend with his family? You could always lighten the mood a little by telling them you need time together to practice making their future grandkids. If theyve only been living together 3 weeks how is spending every weekend at his parents excessive? January 20, 2012, 12:44 pm. I think a lot of it also has to do with the fact that his job takes him away from both his parents and his girlfriend every week. There are no steadfast rules when it comes to spending time with extended family. My husband and I are very much like you all except reversed. I think more people would do well to have a back-up plan if youre to break up (who moves out? They just enjoy your and your boyfriends company and would be happy, it sounds like, if you never left. If he did this every single night, though, I would not be so supportive, to say the least. lets_be_honest Go to a zoo! Look at the situation from everyones position. Who does that? January 20, 2012, 7:40 pm. I hate to say it, but I dont think your boyfriend or his parents (especially his parents) are going to change. Youve lived together for three weeks. It would be a lot of some, but we like it. Husband says we will spend Christmasses together when we have our own family. Theres no need for anyone to take offense if others would have an opinion that something that pertains to you is abnormal. I wouldnt worry about ityet. January 3, 2021, 2:57 pm. The only way that this would be acceptable is if his wife is fine with this arrangement and she enjoys having quiet time to herself. He will want to know why and you will answer that you have explained before that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. Really? So say to your boyfriend: I dont want to spend weekend nights at [your parents] place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. How is this difficult? Just because I didnt want to start over again. YES! ), and just talk about the big issues in general money, social life, work, goals, values, etc. Tell him youre staying home this weekend. I try to suggest fun things to do but its as if he doesnt feel like doing them. For me to sit in the house miles away from my family because his family dont live over the road no more they moved may last year and he was up there alot by bus but now they have a car i never see him and i am not exagerating even when he is here he sits up in the bedroom and i dont see him unless he wants a cup of tea and to use the bathroom how ever when i go to bed and my son is asleep thats when we connect and have a good time chat cuddle but in the back of my mind i am worrying that there is more to him staying out all of the time and if its over i wud rather him just say so i can adjust to life with out him rather than live like this something has to change, Trust me girl im glad am not the only one that is going thro this i know exactly how u are feelin, Angelicque When you get home, youre probably tootired from work, finish the basic chores around the house, and then fall asleep halfway through a movie on the couch. So, say a family gets together every week for Sunday Dinner- you think thats dysfunctional? I think you are already there, and having a great relationship *except for this one huge thing I want to change about that person* isnt the same as simply have a great relationship. Am I the only person that is truly freightened by this? If you dont say anything, how in the hell is he supposed to know anything is wrong? Er, the mom will find a reason drop by the LWs place. Thats why the weekend is an extra time to do everything you didnt get to on weekdays. I love my city, but I also love my home (for clarification, I am referring to my apartment I dont live with or near my parents). WebWe spend far more time during the year with husbands family. Laura Hope, I totally agree with you. Will you LWs simply never learn? Tax Geek when we went to move in together we just said ok, what price range are you looking for. Tell him that while you love his parents, you miss going into the city on weekends and having weekend time alone with him in the city too. My husband likes They never left the apartment unless they had to for school more or less, and they always came straight home. Yea, I mean this could be two things: a mere annoyance or an over the top mom. You accept him as he is or you leave. The finance issue, however, would bother me more at this point. June 18, 2014, 12:38 pm. Its different having lunch with your parents or spending a couple hours with them every weekend. To me it would be so weird if I came home and was a short drive from my parents, but just sat around my own house vs going there and socializing and seeing my family. Summer and fall is half the year. This isnt a minor trait that you can ask someone to change for you, like throwing away your toenail clippings instead of leaving them on the floor. If youve explained that to him and he doesnt care or doesnt have any interest in meeting your needs, theres not a ton you can do. He was this way through their entire dating, engagement, and now marriage. We will tell you right away that this way of thinking leads nowhere. I dont think the parents issue is as big of a deal as the not-communicating-about-money-very-well thing. June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. January 20, 2012, 8:49 am. Id say first, talk to him and say that you dont want to spend every weekend at his parents place. Maybe we are just really suited to each other but there really werent any bumps in the road. I never feel like Im the priority and always in the backseat:(. Im not sure how much leverage she has with the parents. I would plan some things. GatorGirl Yes, this. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. Now he plans for you two to live as close to them as possible. Have you tried just not going? 14 years ago. Not to say that this stuff goes away altogether, just that it can decrease in frequency, sometimes dramatically. You dont want to talk about important issues with a SO so that you can pretend moving in together is a great idea because you dont know any better because you have SPECIFICALLY chosen not to know about better? Or pick berries. January 20, 2012, 9:27 am. All this to say: LW, your BF would annoy the shit out of me too. So the next time he says Im going to my parents house, just answer Have fun. January 20, 2012, 10:03 am. In fact, this couple isnt married, so they arent even her in-laws. January 20, 2012, 9:34 am. If the moms just dropping by it cant be *that* far away. Yet another letter from a LW who has the perfect boyfriend EXCEPT for one small, oh, you know, majorly epic, MASSIVE tiny thing she wants changed. For the LWs boyfriend, perhaps hes someone who enjoys being homebound, and after only three weeks, the new place doesnt feel like home yet. Or drive somewhere without lots of light pollution to go stargazing. And if we dont decide to go there a weekend hes home, his mom will ALWAYS think of an excuse to drop by for hours at a time. I have a friend whose husband is like this. All Im saying is, neither ways are wrong. GatorGirl And it really annoys you when they play the victim role, and on the phone, they are sad when you tell them that you wont visit them this weekend. lets_be_honest And I dont think it is so wrong to assume that things will not change drastically once you move in together. he also said all the right things, like baby i wouldnt do that your friends just dont like me, etc etc. I would not enjoy feeling like I couldnt just be at home some weekends. wendyblueeyes The relationship this man has with his family is dysfunctional and heres why. Sources: Ive studied psychology and dysfunctional family dynamics for years. You dont have a problem with that, but does it have to be every weekend? And actually what I am promoting is having a casual conversation about things that are important to you to find out where both of you stand. Hed schedule one weekend a year when his best friends came to his town to party. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. LolaBeans Im not saying anyones wrong, either. GatorGirl He also has a kid so Im basically competing with so much people. Of course Im describing a worse-case scenario, but think of what feels right for YOU as far as family interaction & seek that out. What I am saying is when you are dating, you establish certain guidelines. No matter how long they could be dating, if he preferred spending his weekends with her because that was their only opportunity, she would not have known that once they live together he will choose to spend that time with his family because now he sees her every day at home. Those conversations should have happened before. Stop getting angry over small unrelated things and tell him what is really bothering you. Its just that based on textbooks and the definition of words and so on, yes sometimes things will be labeled as normal or dysfunctional. If you can be open minded, its very easy to compare this way of life to a cult truly. LW real advice. Maybe he is making up time for that. Problem But know that you arent over reacting what you are feeling is completely normal. Its not annoying for either one of them, because they have both communicated that its something they like to do. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day.. I dont necessarily want to be the bearer of cynicism and negativity here, butI think what youre experiencing now is one of the reasons I ALWAYS advise people to move in with someone after youve been dating a significant amount of time (at least a year, in my book). CottonTheCuteDog Same goes for his family out in Queens. Tell him that you feel neglected and that it hurts that you never spend weekends together. Our favorite free activity is to find new parks/trails in our area and spend the afternoon on them. But he also has to understand thathis number one family is you when he gets married. Ktfran June 18, 2014, 10:54 am. allathian Haha. I agree with you both. I have been marriend two my husband for five years. I absolutely love his family to death, but there are some boundary issues. As was said before, while you are dating you should be attempting to find out as much info as possible. January 4, 2021, 3:35 am. Your husband fears marriage will estrange him from his family, so he has to visit them every weekend. Your husband does not know what to do with himself on weekends. My boyfriend goes to his mom and dads every weekend doesnt think me or my children with him he used to text me all the time and call me he doesnt do that anymore weve been together 3 years and there any place he ever takes me is to the grocery store and back home and he doesnt even hardly touch or kiss or anything anymore I tell him I love him all the time hell tell me back but I feel that he just tells me because he doesnt want it to hurt me. If he goes to see his parents every single weekend while his gf, who has made it clear she will only go with him once a month, stays home, he is essentially choosing them over. If the LW has just been going every weekend without their being discussion, then that has to stop now. For example, my SO knows I would love to adopt one day. a lot of people just arent that way. I think Ill sit this one out. Simple. Unless, of course, there are some urgent circumstances. Its weird. 2. And if they live together. And please, do not take that literally, I just couldnt come up with a better one. So much fun and you find really cool new spots to hang out too. Healthy couples accept these realities of life, work together to minimize the strain, and maximize their relaxation and entertainment time.. We are just those types of people though, which is why I said originally to the LW that this is usually just a fundamental part of people and not something you can really change that much. We were together but doing our own thing. He feels guilty for leaving them, feels comfortable with them, or runs away from some problems he has with you. It is starting to really upset me he wants me to move the 30 min ride closer to his family for what ? Do you just go to your SO and say, Dear, before we do that we have to talk. but no one thought anything of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a few weeks. and it sounds like she hasnt even tried to discuss this current issue with him. But to leave your girlfriend every weekend for no other reason than youd rather spend time with your parents than with her is showing a major red flag. Remember there's a reason you want to spend Christmas together. She does say they sleep there on weekend nights, so that would indicate that its longer than just a leisurely lunch. husband goes to his parents every weekend. He loves to spend time with his family, and that is not a bad thing. My parents live far too and it sucks that I cant drop in on them from time to time, that I have to plan a whole vacation just to see them and cram a lot into one tiny weekend. Relationship time without your family is really important to me and I hope we can work in implementing a date day/night where it is just us.; your other option if he still doesnt agree to this or guilts you, is ending the relationship, because this is not going to change. January 20, 2012, 9:29 am. muchachaenlaventana i mean yeah there are certain things that happen naturally but there are certain things you have to have a conversation about. January 20, 2012, 11:10 am. I am not asking you to minimize your concerns by any means, again just to caution you about being perceived as making this a me or your family conversation. When I lived in Paris my host siblings were like that. and yea, pretty much every single sunday. Are you far away from your own family? Thatll probably shut them up. Yeah, but every weekend? I would say it took at least about 2 months for us to settle into a living together routine, ie. I agree that some more information about the timeline would be helpful. June 18, 2014, 11:08 am. On one side you get the parents who reinforce their power and superior knowledge over and over again by holding their adult children in the nest, on the other side you get an individual who rather depend on the parents because by the time they are adults its just much easier and normal for them to continue letting mommy and daddy do all the hard thinking for them. Or he needs to retire to a place where he can enjoy just the feeling of solitary. I think a lot of people on here are offering her good suggestions to try and help her with her boyfriend and to get him to spend less time with his family and more time hanging out with her. Your husband sees you every day of the week It is possible that from your husbands (Which she did and he didnt do anything about it.) She simply says I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month and she neglects to follow it up with what his response was or his objections were when she told him how she felt. So LW, if you dont like it, I think you should MOA. Whether you need help around the house, want to go on a romantic weekend getaway together, or just want to cuddle while watching movies, youre entitled to it. The LW needs to talk to her boyfriend about how his actions make her feel. If they had more time during the week to spend together after work, maybe spending most of the weekend with the in-laws wouldnt be such an issue. Maybe a couple times a week for dinner. I really would like to know if this LW is asking to actually do something with her boyfriend and hes flat out refusing. Agreed. Perhaps if something was planned, hed break his routine, and realize that it is fun sometimes to stay in the city. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. Its not explicitly in the letter, by I got the feeling that the weekend visits to bfs family preceded the moving in together, but that she still had some weekend time to herself. artsielady. You are certainly not happy when unannounced visitors visit you, and you have a lot of work to do. He likely will turn into the bf, or if they marry the husband, who is the stay-at-home couch potato, while LW pines for outside the home activities. I can totally see this though, wanting to chill at the parents. A lot of family time. While there is nothing wrong with being close with your family, it becomes a problem when you prioritize your family of origin over your significant other. Some people are just family people, and want to spend a TON of time with their parents/siblings/etc. I married an apron-strings boy like that. If one or a few things are particularly very important to you, then those will most likely be discussed just because. maybe im misunderstanding you. She does go with him on occasion, but it is something that is always an issue between them. demoiselle So, she will either have to accept that this is how they are, or leave. To move in before youve even had time to vet the relationship is, in my opinion, risky. ive assumed i knew what my husband wanted/was thinking before, and because like i tell him often i unfortunately cant read his mind, ive been off. ReginaRey ForeverYoung January 20, 2012, 11:43 am. Yeah I dont understand what is weird about just talking about it. Its possible he was living at home and spending weekends with her, so he was seeing his family all week. Its a balance. He told you hedoesnt want to spend Christmas with your family. January 20, 2012, 9:44 am, So this is what you need to do LW. Just remember how he didnt want tomove out of his parents house. She thought he would change, and he hasnt. If you dont like this? You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with silver_dragon_girl Just because you live together does not mean the dating portion of events is over. Then again if this is an issue of homebody vs. not-homebody, that is not so simple. January 20, 2012, 9:13 am. Say that you enjoy spending time with his parents but you really miss your city weekends, so youd prefer to stay home except for maybe once a month. January 20, 2012, 11:17 am. January 20, 2012, 9:33 am. or just dinner? That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. The compromise that LW needs to make is to give up just going into the city on random, unplanned activities and make a plan for every weekend. It definitely sounds like there are some boundary setting issues here, but IDK dysfunctional is a stretch. 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